Giving Up Being an Idiot for Lent -- Yeah, Right

Well, it happened. We all knew it would. I made a fool of myself at my new job. And technically it's not even the first day yet!

Here's what happened. Coffee sounded really good to me today so this morning at work I went to the breakroom to get some. But the regular coffee pot was empty. Oh, and I don't know how to make coffee (I really should have added it to my "things I gotta learn" list) so it looks like I'm out of luck. But then I see another coffee pot in the corner. A fancy coffee pot. A full coffee pot. So I happily fill up my cup and as I'm pouring I notice a sign that basically says this is a special coffee pot for a special coffee group and if I want to partake I should contact Sally to join.

Crap.

I put the pot back after filling my cup and I turn around to leave and there is Sally.

Double Crap.

I don't think she knows who I am but I know who she is. Yet I am too embarrassed to say anything so I awkwardly smile and step around her. I walk back to my desk with a knot in my stomach and a face burning as hot as my drink. What to do? I just stole someone's coffee right in front of them! I am the worst robber in the world.

Here's something that will shock you - I cannot just let things go - I'll give you a sec to let that sink in.......got it? Anyway, I keep thinking about it all day and try to figure out what to do. Do I apologize to her? Do I quit my job and never go back? Both good options. But I am frozen to my chair so I can't do either.

After lots and lots of thought and panic I came up with the perfect solution. Write a note explaining what happened and give her money to make up for it. I can slip it under her door tonight when I leave. Yes, that sounds like the most mature thing to do.

Here is the letter:

Dear Sally,

I had a coffee emergency today. It was a life or death situation. You see, I am a secret agent and I was sent on an exciting and dangerous assignment. I cannot give you many details but I will say that it involved a panda bear, a rare edition of “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” and the glowing rock things from Indiana Jones. Anyway, as I was minding my own business, doing my secret agent thing, I was ambushed by a counter agent who looked alarmingly like J. Edgar Hoover in a dress. She was frantic and threatening to destroy the planet Alderaan and thwart my entire mission. I tried using my best secret agent moves but she was quick and able to outmaneuver every one. Even the One-Eyed-Flying-Monkey move! I thought I had met my doom but then she started bargaining with me. We went through much iteration of negotiations and I was finally able to convince her to accept a cup of coffee instead of my first-born child in exchange for her halting her reign of terror. So away I went to the break room only to find that the standard coffee machine was dry. I didn’t have time to make more coffee for fear of Ms. Hoover changing her mind and resuming her evil operation. Luckily, I spied a full coffee pot. Hallelujah, we are saved! I filled the cup and quickly delivered it to her. It was good coffee. She was appeased. She left the building with no incident and the world was safe again….for now.


Alright, that was a bit of an exaggeration. I did not realize that the coffee was part of a consortium until after I had poured. Please accept the enclosed dollars for my cup today. I apologize and will not make the mistake again. The coffee was great and with it I was able to finish my spreadsheets…or save a bunch of babies and kittens from a burning building…whichever you choose to believe.

Thank you again.

Sincerely,
Emily
“Agent 114”


P.S. This message will self destruct.

Self destruction instructions:
1. Put message in shredder.
2. Turn shredder on.
3. Self destruct complete.


Yeah, that sounds good. I slipped the letter and some money in an envelope, waited until 5:10 and walked to her office. But her door is open and the lights are on. Crap, she's still here! I back up against the wall and again weigh my options. Hand her the note or quit? Then, her cell phone rings. And rings. With my secret agent training I deduce that she must be away from her desk. I inch over to the door and peek around the corner. No one is there. So I hurry in, toss the envelope on her desk and slip out. Success!!

All I have to do now is avoid her...or have radical reconstructive surgery. Again, both good options...