Thursday, November 12, 2009

It's Never Them, It's Always You

Looking for a job is hard. It's physically and emotionally exhausting. I liken it to being broken up with. Here's my relationship with available positions:

Job: I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out between us.

Me: I don't understand. You didn't even give us a chance.

Job: I'm just looking for something different.

Me: I can change.

Job: I don't want you to change. You are smart and talented and..

Me: Right. I'm great. We'd be great together.

Job: You will find the right fit someday.

Me: But I want this to work out. I think you are the right fit.

Job: It's not you, it's me.

Me: But...

Job: No buts, now don't make this any harder.

Me: Think about all the great times we had together.

Job: *Blinking* Huh?

Me: Remember that time when we put on that amazing Baroque Art Exhibit and we were praised by all the local newspapers? Even the Deseret News? Or remember all those late nights we'd stay up. You'd be all artsy and I'd be brilliant and inspired and we would come up with the best ideas together?

Job: *Blinking*

Me: Okay, that may have all been in my head, but I had plans damnit!

Job: That all sounds great, and you will make some other museum very happy someday. I better go now.

Me: Wait! I wanted to tell you that...I'm dying.

Job: Oh my God! What's wrong?

Me: Well, the doctors don't know what it is yet. Something undiscovered. Something tropical, I think.

Job: But you've never been to the tropics.

Me: True, but I did accidentally step on a pineapple once. I think that's where I got it from.


Me: Really! It was at the grocery store and I was wearing flip-flops. It totally punctured my skin.


Me: It hurt pretty bad.

Job: *Sigh* I need to go now.

Me: I think you're making a mistake. You shouldn't make this decision now. You should sleep on it.

Job: *Turning back* Oh, and before I forget, can you please stop calling so late at night and hanging up?

Me: That's not me.

Job: I have caller ID built in.

Me: Oh right, I forgot. Okay, that was me. But I was just checking in to make sure you're okay.

Job: But you hang up right after I answer.

Me: Well, I don't want to bother you. If we starting talking, we would never be able to get back to sleep. Because I care about how good you sleep.

Job: Yeah, I'll see ya. *Turning away*

Me: *Snip*

Job: Did you just pluck a piece of my hair?

Me: No.

Job: Goodbye.

Me: Will you at least call me when you get home so I know you made it safe?

And that's what I've been up to lately.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Important Notice That Only the Unemployed Would Get

Yesterday morning I turned on the TV to watch some great mid-morning talk shows and I found Montel! I love Montel. I was hoping he would have Sylvia Brown on (you know, the psychic?). She'll tell you straight up in her raspy smoker's voice that she doesn't see your sweet old grandma, but someone with an "A" name is trying to communicate. You run down the list of people with A names and realize Allejandro, your brother's general contractor who died 3 years ago is trying to tell you he's okay. And we were so worried. But what about grandma!?!

Anyway, Montel is talking to a pudgy little boy about eating his vegetables. The little boy is grumpy and says he doesn't like vegetables. Montel says "well, what if I make you a great tasting drink with vegetables so that you won't even know you're eating them?" And the little boy brightens up, shrugs his shoulders and says "okay." Isn't that just like Montel? Always making people feel better. He can even work his magic on the teenage girl who doesn't know who the baby's daddy is. She may be in for a long, hard life, but Montel is going to hug you and make it all better. At least until Judge Judy comes on. He's just cool like that.

But then, they stand up from their cushy chairs and walk over to a kitchen and Montel starts using a blender! A BLENDER! And he's talking about how great it is and all the neat features it has. And suddenly I realize: it's not Montel's talk show, it's Montel SELLING BLENDERS!!

Oh the humanity! What has happened to you Montel?