It's Never Them, It's Always You

Looking for a job is hard. It's physically and emotionally exhausting. I liken it to being broken up with. Here's my relationship with available positions:

Job: I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out between us.

Me: I don't understand. You didn't even give us a chance.

Job: I'm just looking for something different.

Me: I can change.

Job: I don't want you to change. You are smart and talented and..

Me: Right. I'm great. We'd be great together.

Job: You will find the right fit someday.

Me: But I want this to work out. I think you are the right fit.

Job: It's not you, it's me.

Me: But...

Job: No buts, now don't make this any harder.

Me: Think about all the great times we had together.

Job: *Blinking* Huh?

Me: Remember that time when we put on that amazing Baroque Art Exhibit and we were praised by all the local newspapers? Even the Deseret News? Or remember all those late nights we'd stay up. You'd be all artsy and I'd be brilliant and inspired and we would come up with the best ideas together?

Job: *Blinking*

Me: Okay, that may have all been in my head, but I had plans damnit!

Job: That all sounds great, and you will make some other museum very happy someday. I better go now.

Me: Wait! I wanted to tell you that...I'm dying.

Job: Oh my God! What's wrong?

Me: Well, the doctors don't know what it is yet. Something undiscovered. Something tropical, I think.

Job: But you've never been to the tropics.

Me: True, but I did accidentally step on a pineapple once. I think that's where I got it from.

Job:

Me: Really! It was at the grocery store and I was wearing flip-flops. It totally punctured my skin.

Job:

Me: It hurt pretty bad.

Job: *Sigh* I need to go now.

Me: I think you're making a mistake. You shouldn't make this decision now. You should sleep on it.

Job: *Turning back* Oh, and before I forget, can you please stop calling so late at night and hanging up?

Me: That's not me.

Job: I have caller ID built in.

Me: Oh right, I forgot. Okay, that was me. But I was just checking in to make sure you're okay.

Job: But you hang up right after I answer.

Me: Well, I don't want to bother you. If we starting talking, we would never be able to get back to sleep. Because I care about how good you sleep.

Job: Yeah, I'll see ya. *Turning away*

Me: *Snip*

Job: Did you just pluck a piece of my hair?

Me: No.

Job: Goodbye.

Me: Will you at least call me when you get home so I know you made it safe?


And that's what I've been up to lately.