I Had To Re-Take This Picture A Bunch Of Times Because People Kept Coming In. And No One Likes The Girl With The Camera In The Bathroom

First, a short ode to athletes who love reality shows girls.

Thank you.

Without your love and support, I wouldn’t be able to watch shows like “Keeping up with the Kardashians” or “Kendra.” At least not while Mike is awake. ..Or still not blind and deaf.

You see, it’s those rare athletes who, for some reason, choose to marry these “celebrities” and who make occasional appearances on their shows that allow me to watch without constant comments like “isn’t there anything else on?” or “I will poke my eye out if we have to watch this again” or “seriously, I’m getting a sharpened pencil…”

So, thank you.

Now, if only we can get one to fall in love with Tyra Banks…or one of the Bad Girls…

On another note, I noticed this sticker on the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom here at work.

You know what? If there’s an emergency in the bathroom that requires more paper towels and in-a-hurry; I promise you I won’t be hanging around long enough to utilize those emergency towels.

Valentine's Day Snakes

You know how Sunday is the best day to go to Home Depot because there are only a few other shoppers there? Well, I'll give you one better - if it's Sunday and also Valentine's Day, you will be the only shopper. Which is usually good. Unless you are looking for something embarrassing.

You see, our toilet is clogged. And the plunger aint cutting it. There, I said it.

Mike and I had been to two grocery stores today looking for something to unclog it and when we got home with the Dran-O we discovered that you are not supposed to use it on toilets. Since it's Valentine's day, I offered to let Mike relax while I went back to the store to return it and buy something else (since he would actually be doing the "dirty" work).

So I went back to Albertsons and read the backs of every drain unclogging product they had. And all the Dran-O and Liquid Plumber products say "do not use on toilet." The hell? I finally found two that didn't exactly say "use on toilet" but they didn't say not to either, so I bought them both.

I thought exchanging one unclogging product for two unclogging products would be the most embarrassing thing that happened to me today.

I was wrong.

I got home and talked to Mike and we thought since these products don't say safe for toilets, we should probably look for something else. So I decided to go to Home Depot, again by myself, to see what they had. The parking lot was empty. I went in and there were 3 guys waiting by the front door. They must have known I'm not a real handy person because right away they all asked what I needed.

Me: Something to unclog my toilet.
Guy 1: Like a plunger?
Me: No, something stronger, like a liquid cleaner?
Guy 2: So, it's really clogged?
Me: Um...yes
Guy 3: Well, you can't use liquid because it will eat the plastic ring on your toilet and make it start to leak eventually.
Me: Okay
Guy 2: Here, let's go to the plumbing section.

Guys 2 and 3 take me to the Plumbing aisle. Guy 3 calls over his walkie: "Plumbing assistance, aisle 8"

Guys 2 and 3 stay with me and start talking about something else when Guy 4 comes over.

Guy 2: Her toilet's clogged
Guy 4: Okay, what's clogging it?
Me: Uhhhh
Guy 2: A diaper?
Me: No
Guy 3: A sock?
Me: Ummm...nope.
Guy 4: A pill bottle?
Me: It's, uh, clogged with, um....normal stuff
Guy 4: Okay, you need a snake

All 3 guys then show me the various types of snakes. This one is manual, this one you attach to a drill, this one comes with a sno-cone maker. I choose one and thank the guys and turn to leave.

Guy 4: Good luck
Guy 3: Hope that works for you
Guy 2: Have a happy Valentine's Day!

I take the snake to the register and Guy 1 rings it up.

Guy 1: Wow, this is what you need?
Me: I guess so
Guy 1: Are you going to try this all by yourself?
Me: Oh no, my husband will take it from here
Guy 1: Alright, well, hope you have a better Valentine's Day

Thanks. Will do.

Giving Up Being an Idiot for Lent -- Yeah, Right

Well, it happened. We all knew it would. I made a fool of myself at my new job. And technically it's not even the first day yet!

Here's what happened. Coffee sounded really good to me today so this morning at work I went to the breakroom to get some. But the regular coffee pot was empty. Oh, and I don't know how to make coffee (I really should have added it to my "things I gotta learn" list) so it looks like I'm out of luck. But then I see another coffee pot in the corner. A fancy coffee pot. A full coffee pot. So I happily fill up my cup and as I'm pouring I notice a sign that basically says this is a special coffee pot for a special coffee group and if I want to partake I should contact Sally to join.

Crap.

I put the pot back after filling my cup and I turn around to leave and there is Sally.

Double Crap.

I don't think she knows who I am but I know who she is. Yet I am too embarrassed to say anything so I awkwardly smile and step around her. I walk back to my desk with a knot in my stomach and a face burning as hot as my drink. What to do? I just stole someone's coffee right in front of them! I am the worst robber in the world.

Here's something that will shock you - I cannot just let things go - I'll give you a sec to let that sink in.......got it? Anyway, I keep thinking about it all day and try to figure out what to do. Do I apologize to her? Do I quit my job and never go back? Both good options. But I am frozen to my chair so I can't do either.

After lots and lots of thought and panic I came up with the perfect solution. Write a note explaining what happened and give her money to make up for it. I can slip it under her door tonight when I leave. Yes, that sounds like the most mature thing to do.

Here is the letter:

Dear Sally,

I had a coffee emergency today. It was a life or death situation. You see, I am a secret agent and I was sent on an exciting and dangerous assignment. I cannot give you many details but I will say that it involved a panda bear, a rare edition of “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” and the glowing rock things from Indiana Jones. Anyway, as I was minding my own business, doing my secret agent thing, I was ambushed by a counter agent who looked alarmingly like J. Edgar Hoover in a dress. She was frantic and threatening to destroy the planet Alderaan and thwart my entire mission. I tried using my best secret agent moves but she was quick and able to outmaneuver every one. Even the One-Eyed-Flying-Monkey move! I thought I had met my doom but then she started bargaining with me. We went through much iteration of negotiations and I was finally able to convince her to accept a cup of coffee instead of my first-born child in exchange for her halting her reign of terror. So away I went to the break room only to find that the standard coffee machine was dry. I didn’t have time to make more coffee for fear of Ms. Hoover changing her mind and resuming her evil operation. Luckily, I spied a full coffee pot. Hallelujah, we are saved! I filled the cup and quickly delivered it to her. It was good coffee. She was appeased. She left the building with no incident and the world was safe again….for now.


Alright, that was a bit of an exaggeration. I did not realize that the coffee was part of a consortium until after I had poured. Please accept the enclosed dollars for my cup today. I apologize and will not make the mistake again. The coffee was great and with it I was able to finish my spreadsheets…or save a bunch of babies and kittens from a burning building…whichever you choose to believe.

Thank you again.

Sincerely,
Emily
“Agent 114”


P.S. This message will self destruct.

Self destruction instructions:
1. Put message in shredder.
2. Turn shredder on.
3. Self destruct complete.


Yeah, that sounds good. I slipped the letter and some money in an envelope, waited until 5:10 and walked to her office. But her door is open and the lights are on. Crap, she's still here! I back up against the wall and again weigh my options. Hand her the note or quit? Then, her cell phone rings. And rings. With my secret agent training I deduce that she must be away from her desk. I inch over to the door and peek around the corner. No one is there. So I hurry in, toss the envelope on her desk and slip out. Success!!

All I have to do now is avoid her...or have radical reconstructive surgery. Again, both good options...

Best Twilight Comment Ever

I dragged Mike to see the new Twilight movie a few weeks ago. (Bribed him with the promise of movie food - popcorn, candy, gin in his Dr. Pepper - the usual.)

In the beginning of the movie it's Bella's birthday and she gets gifts from all the vampires. The giant vampire gives her - spoiler alert - a new stereo for her car. Which he has installed. I think she thanks him for it. Anyway, the party goes on - more gifts, someone gets moody, Bella almost dies - the usual.

But about 20 minutes later Bella and Edward are in her car talking about the genocide in Darfur, or how they want to die because they love each other so much (I can't remember exactly). And Mike leans over to me and says "let's hear the new sound system."

Men just don't get it.

Team Obama

Breaking News: The President has more power than Twilight.


I'm watching the Ellen show and she has Robert Pattenson on (i.e. Edward Cullen) and the interview so far is basically the audience screaming and Robert pretending to hate it. And then, President Obama breaks into the program to discuss the recent attempted airline bombing. And I'll be damned if it wasn't timed just right because after Obama finished, it cut back to the Ellen show right as she was saying goodbye to Robert.

This is good news! Well, not that someone tried to bomb an airine, but that the President trumps Twilight. We can all sleep a little easier tonight.

First Lunch, Then The World

I have a dilemma. I am at work and I’m hungry and I don’t know what to do.

Since I’m a temp, I work in a conference room at a big table with 2 other people. It’s really quiet in here. I brought Cup of Noodles from home for lunch, but I don’t want to be slurping it in front of everyone. And there is no way to eat Cup of Noodles quietly. It’s just not a quiet food. And I certainly don’t want to be that co-worker. You know, the one who always eats lunch at their desk and then asks to borrow your pen and gives it back all smelling like tuna fish and you’re like, you didn’t even have tuna today, why does this smell like that, but you can’t say anything because far be it for you to deny someone their lunch? Anyway, by slurping Cup of Noodles today not only will I drive my co-workers crazy but no one will ever let me borrow a pen again.

That leads us to option 2: get lunch at the restaurant downstairs. Why not, you ask? Well, because I go there almost every day. And I just know that as soon as I walk in the door they’re all “Oh great, here comes ‘Half Chicken Salad Sandwich Girl who Sneaks in Her Own Water Because She’s Too Cheap to Buy a Drink.’” And then they say “Hey, let’s mess with her again and not call her number when her sandwich comes up. Last time she waited almost 4 minutes staring at the sandwich on the counter but not knowing what to do with it. That was fun.” So I obviously can’t go back in there ever again.

So I called Mike and I explained my situation. He said “You know, there are starving children in Africa.” And I said “Yeah, but don’t you think it would be kind of rude for me to ask them what I should do? I mean, they’re hungry and all.” He sighed and said “Why don’t you go downstairs and order something besides Chicken Salad? Like, get a Cheese Sandwich to throw them off.” But what if they don’t pay attention and make chicken salad anyway and then I have to actually talk to them and make a scene about making a cheese sandwich. Isn’t that exactly what they want? Mike then mumbled something that I didn’t quite hear - something about how much he loves me or about needing therapy, I’m not sure. Then he said he had to go and hung up.

What am I to do? Maybe I’ll wait it out. See if I can just make it until dinner.

P.S. I just checked the package; apparently, it’s “Cup Noodles” not “Cup of Noodles.” I think someone should tell Nissin to add an “of” to be more correct in the English language. I texted Mike to let him know. He thinks I’m being culturally insensitive.

P.P.S. Found out Cup Noodles are packaged in the USA. Now who’s being culturally insensitive?

Update: I decided to eat the Cup Noodles. Mainly because I like saying that now and I wanted to tell other people that it’s actually Cup Noodles not Cup of Noodles. No one seemed very impressed. In fact, they all acted like it was no big deal. Plus, they refused to sign my petition to change it to Cup O’Noodles, even though I clearly explained that it would be revolutionary and break down boarders everywhere. At least in Ireland and Japan. And I'm sure that if I'm able to change the name, they’ll make me an honorary princess or something. Because that’s what princesses are supposed to do. And, as a princess, I bet everyone would lend me a pen. Win-win.

Maybe I Can Take Up Windsurfing

Well, I completed my last class this week. I now come with an MBA.

It will come in real handy while living in my parent’s basement.

For graduation, Mike and my parents threw me a Seinfeld-themed party. It was awesome. It was all the black-and-white-cookie-eating, candy-bar-lineup-solving fun you could have. It was spectacular.

I realized though that I am out of excuses now. I can’t turn down any more family parties or lunch with friends. It used to be that I would say “I can’t. I’ve got a lot of homework to do.” Now when Mike asks me can I “please make dinner just once this month?” I can’t say “I really need the time to study.” Or when he says “well, can you at least let me have the remote? You’re supposed to be doing homework, not watching Snapped re-runs.” And I would say “Oh, I’m doing homework alright…” And then he would make a note in that strange book of his that he calls “evidence” and walk around leaving his DNA all over.

Even this blob has been giving me a hard time since I don’t write as often as I should. Well folks, I’m out of excuses. Here I am all grown up and ready to take on real world responsibilities. And social events.

Hmmm…

I wonder if I should enter a PhD program just to get out of doing the dishes for a few years?